To the woman who sh!t in my car

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had real chemistry sitting at the Roster sharing a basket of Wings while drinking the Coors Light. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happencd to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with the Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me." was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That‘s why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a bit better... like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,

P.S - If you sharted yourself on purposc to end the evening early... Touche'...